A normal day at the office
ring, ring
“yeah?”
“Hey, John, can you come over with your car to the assembly facility and help me move stuff to our new location?”
“Wait, what? I’m a hardware engineer!”
“Haha! Yeah, that’s what they told you in the job interview, right? Listen, move your buttocks here. I need you to engineer those 900 laptops from here over to the new location until the end of the week, got it?”
“New location?”
“Yeah, sales are growing and we also need to prepare for shipping the phones soon”
“Oh. I thought, this ‘new location’ thing is just what we tell the customers when they complain about delays, so we don’t have to admit that each laptop is first ‘inspected’ by the NS…”
“SHUT THE F*** UP! I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU’RE … err… sorry. never mind. Okay, can you help?”
“Well, actually… I wanted to upstream that coreboot fix and then help out with some PureOS bugs, but then Jane asked me to fix several weird hiccups in the campaign order processing, which kept me busy most of this week so far, and…”
“Wait. Aren’t you supposed to finish the PCB schematics for the phone? Isn’t there a deadline next week?”
“Haha, yeah, I call it the walking dead line… got it?”
“Huh?”
“Never mind. Anyway, you know I never really get to that part, because I’m also the guy who patiently and politely answers all those … well-meaning questions and concerned inquiries in the forums and unsocial media”
“Like what?”
“Like, we certainly had bad intentions when we disabled the trackers inherited from Riot, but then a static code analyzer still found traces of them. Try explaining that to the mob. Why would I think the linker would still put them in the…”
“You’re way over my head, bro…”
“…”
“More accessible examples?”
“Apparently we’re supposed to write blog posts when we move to bigger rooms or if somebody leaves the company, detailing the implications and reasons leading to these changes.”
“Plausible. That all?”
“Well, people want the phone to be 10mm slim, but with two weeks of battery. The screen should be less than 5 inch, but also at least 6 inch, borderless, but with rounded, ruggedized bezels, 4k glossy matte, readable in direct sunlight, but dim with blueshift at night, with an input delay below 50ms, 16 separate kill switches (easily accessible, but aesthetically pleasing), a high-end stereo camera on the front, at least triple camera on the back, but for half the price we ask, with a RISC-V CPU, but at least as fast as the current flagship, zero proprietary blobs, with all parts produced and assembled in a country where no secret services exist, at least two USB-ports with full thunderbolt, DP and HDMI support, dual SIM, TTS, AI enhanced secure speech-control and image enhancing. And blockchain. Also, …”
“Bro… I think I can handle the move. Still 15 hours until midnight, right? And in case I get the remaining 392 custom-configured laptops shipped before the sun rises, I’ll stop by at the office and lend you a hand. You need all the moral support I can muster.”
“Thanks man.” tearing up
“Man, was good talking to you. But this better stays between us. I think the general public would be unable to understand which parts are factual, fictional, ironic, and which are outright sarcastic.”
“Totally!” acts like he got the sarcasm
“Hang in there, man!”
click